2011: The Year Of The Injury

Is your fantasy football season in a tailspin? Every NFL year comes with it's fair share of injuries, but it is tough to remember a season filled with so many high profile players going down long term.  Here is a look at one of my teams bitten by the injury bug:

Count the "Os"

Peyton Manning would be the most notable injury so far this year.    The Colts have said recently that he will be evaluated on a "month by month basis."  That's never a good sign. The Colts have yet to place Manning on the IR, so there is a chance (however small)  that he will return before the end of the season.  His absence has put his importance to the franchise on display for the world to see so far this season.  The Colts have started off 0-3, and have shown an offensive prowess that is reminiscent of the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 

Manning isn't the only quarterback feeling the pain.  In week 2, Michael Vick sustained a mild concussion, but was cleared to play in week 3.  Of course in week 3, he immediately broke a bone in his non-throwing hand. Also in week 2, Tony Romo broke a rib, and punctured his lung. Somehow Romo managed to brush off the lung hole, and play in week 3 (I hear he may have been huffing Fix-A-Flat.)

The running back position has taken a few big hits in the injury department as well. Jamaal Charles, the superstar of the Kansas City Chiefs (and pretty much their entire offense,) suffered a season ending injury in week 1. That was devastating for the 2010 AFC West Champions, as they too have started the 2011 season 0-3. Arian Foster, 2010 NFL rushing champion, has been suffering from a nagging hamstring injury since the preseason.  Up until now, he has been operating on a week to week basis.  Although, he has yet to see any significant playing time, only getting about a half of work during week 2. 

In the wide receiver department, Miles Austin is expected to miss at least one week with a hamstring.  As of right now, Austin "isn't being ruled out" of the Cowboys week 4 match up with the Lions, but it doesn't look promising according to reports.  Marques Colston of the New Orleans Saints has already missed two games this season with a fractured collarbone, and is likely to miss at least two more.

At tight end, Aaron Hernandez has a sprained MCL, which sidelined him for at least week 3.  This news was met with delight from all the Rob Gronkowski owners, who now get to reap the benefits of only one pass catching tight end in New England. 

Even the kickers are getting in on the injury fun.  Garrett Hartley of the New Orleans Saints has yet to kick this season.

The NFL season is only three weeks old, and already the damage is piling up for a lot of teams.  Look no further than Indianapolis to see the effect that the loss of one man can have on a franchise.  Every player that I mentioned is the number one guy at their position for their respective team.  It will be interesting, moving forward, to see how the loss of so much talent will be compensated for by all parties involved.

NFL Playoff Predictions After Two Weeks: The AFC

Week three is just two days away, and what could be more fun that making some really early playoff predictions?  Obviously, there is a lot of football to be played before anybody can seriously start talking playoffs, but since I was too lazy to do it before the season, I am going to do just that right now.  I do have a slight advantage over everyone else, as I have had the privilege of watching two weeks of football before making my playoff picks. I will number them by what I think their seeds will be.

AFC:

1.) New England Patriots

In my opinion (and just about everyone else on the planet), New England is the clear favorite to win the Super Bowl this year.  Tom Brady has played incredible in the first two games, breaking the record for most yards to start the season..  The offense in general has looked almost as unstoppable as the 2007-2008 Patriots team that finished 18-1. I don't really see anyone, including the Jets being able to stop this juggernaut.

2.) Houston Texans

I am picking the Texans to get the second seed, and the bye solely because of their division.  Houston has been on the cusp of reaching the playoffs for a few years now, and with Indianapolis losing Peyton Manning to injury, I feel that this will be the year.  The Texans have five division games left. That will probably act as a huge advantage to them considering the lack of any conceivable talent in that division.  Besides, with Manning out of the picture, nothing really stands in the way of the Texans rolling over the mediocrity that the AFC South has become.

3.) San Diego Chargers

The Chargers are another case of outclassing the rest of their division.  The Raiders seem to be a solid team, just not great.  In addition, Oakland just doesn't seem to like winning close games that come down to the wire.  Last week they managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by being unable to hold off the Buffalo Bills in the waning seconds of the game.  I feel Oakland will be no better than a .500 team this year.  The Kansas City Chiefs might just be the worst team to ever grace a football field, especially now that Jamaal Charles is out for the year.  And the Denver Broncos really just look like an average team at best.  Of course if they end up as an average team this year, that is vastly improved over what most experts were predicting from them before the start of the season.

4.) Baltimore Ravens

I think the Ravens will emerge on top in the yearly blood bath that is the battle for the AFC Central.  Joe Flacco gradually improves every year, and finally removed that giant monkey from his back by soundly defeating his arch nemesis Ben Roethlisberger in week one this year.  The Baltimore defense is still in the upper tier of the NFL, and Ray Rice is one of the games top running backs.  Truly, the only real hurdle the Ravens must overcome is the Pittsburgh Steelers, and after the Week One thrashing, the Ravens hold huge mental and mathematical advantages.

5) New York Jets

As impressive as the New England Patriot offense has been, the New York Jets defense has shined just as bright.  It seems inevitable that these teams will once again meet in the playoffs, and the winner of that game will in my opinion be the AFC Super Bowl representative.  The only downside to this Jets team is quarterback Mark Sanchez.  Believe me, I do realize by the way that I am not breaking any new ground with that statement. It seems to be the general consensus that Sanchez is just not a big time, franchise supporting quarterback.

6.) Cincinnati Bengals

I realize that I look like a crazy person by typing the words Cincinnati Bengals here.  Everybody and their mother would probably put the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens as division winner and wild card representative.  I like the Bengals for a few reasons.  For starters, with the exception of the Kansas City Chiefs, the Bengals schedule hits just about every terrible team in the NFL this year. Meanwhile, the surprisingly effective play of rookie quarterback Andy Dalton has added an exciting element to the Bengal offense.  As for what the Bengals can't control, I think the end is finally here for this version of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Between the aging defense, and the stagnant offense, I think a major drop off is in their very near future.  I definitely think the Steelers miss the playoffs this year, and someone has to take their place.  Really the only other real possibility is the Miami Dolphins. They however, have started the season 0-2 and still have three more games against the Jets and Patriots.  Those two factors are major blows to their playoff hopes, even this early. A few people might be wondering about the Buffalo Bills.  They may be off to a great start, but again, they play in that brutal AFC East.  Also, lets not forget, that this team is only 8 months removed from a 4-12 season.

NFL Week 2: What To Look For

Week 2 of the NFL season is upon us, and there are a few questions posed during Week 1 that are begging to be answered. Here are some things that I will be watching for:

Pittsburgh Steelers:

Last week was one of the worst losses by the Steelers in recent memory.  Only the 13 point loss to the Patriots last year in Week 10 comes close to the level of domination the Steelers felt last week in Baltimore.  Luckily for Pittsburgh, one of the NFL's worst teams is flying in from the left coast to help erase the memory of last weeks debacle. 

Last year the Seattle Seahawks were the 27th ranked defense in yards allowed, and the 28th ranked offense in yards gained.  With Matt Hasselbeck gone, and Tavaris Jackson at the helm at quarterback, one could only assume that the offense is trending downward. 

Prior to the season, most analysts put Pittsburgh among the elite in the AFC. After last weeks pathetic performance, those predictions are in serious doubt.   Questions that were raised about the aging defense, and the stability of the offensive line are now at the forefront of the debate.  Only a lights out defensive effort, and stellar offensive performance can put those issues to rest for the time being.

Detroit and Buffalo:

I will grant the fact that the Detroit Lions are a much improved team compared to the last few years.  The problem I have with all the hype surrounding them is that they are The Detroit Lions. In recent years the Lions have been the Pittsburgh Pirates of professional football, and until they prove otherwise, I am not buying. 

They beat a decent Tampa Bay team last week 27-20, and this week face the Kansas City Chiefs.  With the Chiefs embarrassing 41-7 loss to the Bills last week, the Lions won't prove much with a win this week.  A loss however goes a long way to saying that the Lions are just pretenders once again.  So like the Steelers, Detroit needs to pull of a fairly convincing win to quiet the naysayers such as myself.

The Buffalo Bills are another team that is garnering a lot of attention thanks to that blowout victory last week in Kansas City.  Coming into this season, nobody put them near the top of any power ranking.  Now, thanks to one big victory, Las Vegas has them three point favorites at home over the Oakland Raiders,  I am not saying that the Raiders are a juggernaut, but they are the superior team of the two in my eyes.  Regardless of the Vegas line, any victory in this game is a huge step in the right direction for the Buffalo Bills.

Arian Foster:

The NFL's top rusher in 2010 missed Houston's Week 1 game vs. Indianapolis due to a nagging hamstring injury.  According to Coach Gary Kubiak, Foster "looks ready to play." Hamstring injuries are one of those problems that can linger on, and cause issues all season long. 

While a full workload is out of the question, it would be nice to see a strong performance without any signs of weakness from Foster.  If he can make it through the game without limping off the field, then a huge weight will be lifted off the Houston Texan's backs. 

Arian Foster is one of the cornerstones of that perpetual middle of the pack team, and they need him 100% to finally break through to the top of the AFC.

A New Twist On Survival Football

This year I joined a survival football league with a slightly different format.  I thought it was interesting, because it takes away the chaos of week 1.  Here is how it works...

In a traditional survival league, you choose one team every week, and when you miss you are out.  In this new format, you skip week 1 altogether.  Starting in week 2, you select 2 teams.  So for example, last week I didn't pick, and this week I have chosen the Steelers to beat the Seahawks, and the Packers to beat the Panthers.  If both the Steelers and the Packers win this week, I will not pick again until week 4.

Should one of my teams lose, then I will be forced to pick again in week 3.  I will pick one team every week until either a winner is declared, or I pick another loser.  If I pick a second losing team, I am totally eliminated from the survival league.

If both the Steelers and the Packers lose in week 2, then I am totally eliminated from the survival league.

Now, as for the people that picked both games correct in week 2.  All of these teams will not make any picks in week 3.  In week 4 these people will once again pick two teams to win.  If they miss both teams, they are once again totally eliminated from the survival league.

If they miss one team in week 4 they must pick one team in week 5 and every week following until they eliminated, or a winner is declared.

And if they get both teams correct in week 4, they skip week 5 and once again pick 2 teams in week six.

This process continues until only one person is left, and that person is declared the winner. 

Home Brewing For By Dummies

One of the latest trends in the world of DIY is home brewing.  Myself and two friends took a shot at it this past weekend.  Why not? What could be better than creating your own supply line for a rather expensive product? The average brew kit will yield about 2 1/2 cases of beer per attempt. A pretty sweet return for 3 hours of work, and after the initial investment, each batch will cost very little compared to buying the finished product. But, judging by all the bumbling we did throughout the process, I can't imagine wanting to ingest what comes out of the fermenter in two weeks. It is really important by the way to get a great brew kit. Here is a five star rated brew kit from Amazon.com: Coopers Brewery DIY Beer Kit

Going into this adventure, the only experience any of us had at brewing beer was in quality control (drinking). So if you are a prospective brewer, and don't know what to expect, read ahead for a rundown.

Setting up:

Every instruction manual will stress that the most important step to successful brewing is sterilization. Anything that will be touching the wort (the liquid that becomes beer), must be sterilized. The problem is, different books recommend different methods.  One book will say to use bleach.  Another book will say to never use bleach.  Make sure to set aside a few hours at the start of brewing to both sterilize all materials that will touch the wort, and to argue with your friends over the best way to do it.

Making the wort:


Once everything has been properly sterilized, it is time to make the mixture of what will eventually turn into beer.  In this step, you basically mix a bunch of malt and hops in some boiling water.  Within minutes, the wort will give off a delicious smell, not unlike a great homemade soup.  By the end of the first hour however, this smell becomes unbearably awful.  I don't know if the smell itself changed, or if I just got sick of it, but it was horrific.  It was the kind of smell that not only stinks up a house, but also leaves little particles of shittiness embedded in your nose for days.  The best part of this step is the insane volatility of  the boiling wort. Don't panic too bad, its not going to explode, but it will probably boil over.  It is messy, and will spread that noxious, vomit inducing liquid all over your stove top. When this happens, much like when you jostle a homeless guy, the smell will become even more unbearable.

Fermentation: 


After all the wort making is done, all you really need to do is transfer it into the fermenter and wait.  There isn't much to this step other than dumping the wort into a plastic bucket with a couple holes drilled into it.  Here, it will interact with the yeast, and magically become beer.  Be careful when installing the airlock to the lid of the fermenter, as my friend almost broke the entire unit by pushing too hard.  It is very delicate, and will probably infect the wort mixture with bacteria when you are fishing the rubber seal out of the mixture.

Two Weeks Later:


After waiting two weeks or so, the fermentation process should be complete.  I'm not really sure what comes next, as we haven't gotten that far yet.  I'm guessing that you will open the plastic bucket, and do something to the liquid inside. See, I didn't read ahead in the instruction manual, so I don't even know if it is called beer yet.  There were a few things in the beer kit that went unused in the first few steps, so I figure there is some work left to be done.  Your guess is as good as mine.  Good luck with that.

In Conclusion: 


In the end, it doesn't really matter what comes out of the fermenter.  The whole beer making adventure was a lot of fun. Throughout the process, I discovered that brewing is really more of an art than anything else. The different styles and flavors of beer that can be created with just a stove and a bucket are endless.  All you really need is the patience to perfect the process. If you can do that, the world of beer is yours for the taking.

How To Embarrass Yourself Playing Fantasy Football

 I started playing fantasy football when I was 16 years old.  I got into it when a few friends asked me to join a league they were starting.  Before that season, I had never heard of fantasy football. Keep in mind that this was back in the mid 1990's, long before the game had gained a level of popularity that bridges all age, gender, and racial gaps.  There weren't 10 different fantasy football magazines to choose from in every grocery store, drug store, and book store in America like there is today.  Before my very first draft, nobody told me anything about strategy.  All I had to go by was a list of last years players, and the fantasy points they scored.  So, looking over that list, one thing jumped out at me immediately.  Morton Anderson scored the most fantasy points out of any other player in the NFL the previous season.  (It is actually painful to write this story down.  It is vividly bringing back the humiliation I am about to share with you)

I don't remember exactly what position I was drafting, but i think it may have been 3rd.  I remember the joy and shock when the first two picks went by, and Morton Anderson(along with every other kicker) remained on the board.  I distinctly remember a feeling of smug satisfaction washing over me, as I internally gloated about being the smartest person in the room.  "How could these morons be taking running backs, when the kickers score so many more points?" I thought as i laughed to myself. Of course it never occurred to me how interchangeable kickers are, as opposed to the unique value that comes with a top five running back or wide receiver. So, when it is finally my turn to draft I proudly announce, "I take Morton Anderson!"  As soon as I spoke, there was maybe a second or two of total silence while the words permeated the room.  Then, all at once, as if someone flipped a switch on a laugh track machine, the room erupted.  I immediately realized that I had just made a complete ass of myself.

As the laughter began to subside, the guy running the draft asked, "Are you serious?"

I responded, "Of course not, I'll take..."

Now here is the key.  If you are going to pull off the "I was just joking when I said I wanted Morton Anderson" ploy, then you have to be ready with a legitimate name to replace him with.  I have to admit, I don't remember exactly who I said, but I do remember that it got quite a few laughs as well.  I am pretty sure it was someone who would have been around in the 5th round or so.  Basically, I threw out the first NFL players name that popped into my head, and it wasn't great.  At least I didn't say, "Bill Cowher."

Another great way to embarrass yourself during a fantasy football season, is to completely over think a simple decision.  During the 2001 Season, my starting running backs were Marshall Faulk, and Stephen Davis.  Marshall Faulk was a beast that year.  He ended the season with 2,147 all purpose yards, and 21 touchdowns.  Stephen Davis ate up the yards, but he had problems finding the end zone. He finished with 1,637 all purpose yards, and only 5 touchdowns.  Going into week 15, the first round of the 2001 fantasy playoffs, I had what should have been an easy start at running back.  I was however concerned about Stephen Davis.  He was more than capable of putting up big numbers, but a mediocre performance was also not out of the question.  Going into week 15 he was held under 80 yards five times, and on two of those occasions he was held under 40 yards.  Considering that almost the entire season had already played out, there weren't any legitimate #1 running backs available on the waiver wire.  However, there was one little golden nugget sitting out there that I couldn't resist.  Can anyone tell me who Trung Canidate is?  Trung Canidate was Marshall Faulk's main backup in St. Louis at the time.  If you remember, this was back in the days of "The Greatest Show On Turf."  The St. Louis Rams were putting up huge offensive numbers almost every week, and a lot of times, Faulk was being sat at halftime to protect him from injury because the game was already a blowout.

In week 15 the St. Louis Rams were up against the pathetic Carolina Panthers.  The 2001 Carolina Panthers finished a with a woeful 1-15 record.  That fact alone would not lead me to do something as insanely stupid as benching Stephen Davis in place of Trung Canidate.  Here is what would lead me to do something that stupid. In week 9 of the 2001 NFL season, the St. Louis Rams beat the Carolina Panthers 48-14.  Marshall Faulk had 197 all purpose yards and 2 touchdowns.  Now for the "work", Trung Canidate had an astounding 146 all purpose yards and 1 touchdown.  So coming into Week 15, the Rams are 11-2 and basically have the division on lock down. It's only reasonable to assume that Faulk will put up huge first half numbers, and Trung Canidate will get the bulk of the workload in a game that can pretty much be added to the win column before it even starts.  Well, I was half right.  Marshall Faulk's final line was a mind blowing 252 all purpose yards and 2 touchdowns.  Unfortunately the game ended up closer than anyone expected.  Trung Canidates final numbers were zero all purpose yards on zero attempts, with zero touchdowns. What made this even more embarrassing was that Stephen Davis put up 66 all purpose yards and a touchdown. In case you are wondering, I ended up losing my first round playoff game that day by 3 points.  So, making that bold coaching move single handedly ended my fantasy season that year.  And 10 years later, I still remember it vividly.

Two Big Fantasy Football Sleepers In 2011

One major factor in being at the top of your fantasy football league is getting great value in the middle rounds. This year I have seen two players going in the middle rounds that I feel will put up 1st and 2nd round numbers. I think targeting these two players as QB1 and RB2 in the 6th-8th rounds could be the move that puts your team over the top this year.


Ben Roethlisberger:  Since he came in to the league, Big Ben has been a great team leader.  He has taken the Steelers to three Super Bowls in the last six seasons.  His ability to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat has solidified him as one of the top quarterbacks in the game.  All of that doesn't translate into fantasy football success however.  So what has changed?  For starters, Rashard Mendenhall is developing into one of the elite running backs in the game.  His ability to break off a big run on any down, will force defenses to keep a close watch on him at all times.  This will give Roethlisberger more opportunities to throw the deep ball.  Not to mention, Mendenhall himself is a viable threat break a few tackles and take a Roethlisberger screen pass to the end zone.  An even bigger factor to success this year is the growth of the Steelers young receiving corps.  Mike Wallace showed signs last year that he was ready to take the reigns from Hines Ward as the go to receiver on the Steelers.  Last season he reached the end zone 10 times, while compiling over 1,200 yards.  Wallace showed he believes in his abilities earlier this preseason.  "I figure that if I average 20 yards a catch this year and catch 100 balls, that will be 2,000 yards," Wallace stated.  Add to that, the biggest surprise of the preseason, Antonio Brown.  After three games in the 2011 Preseason, Antonio Brown has 230 yards and 3 touchdowns.  Those are incredible numbers considering the limited playing time for the starters.  Keep in mind that those are indeed first team numbers, not junk time.  If Brown can put up anything close to those kind of numbers in the regular season, defenses will not be able double Wallace with impunity.  And lets not forget that 'Dancing With The Stars' Champion Hines Ward is also still in the mix.  He may not have the legs of yesteryear, but he has shown throughout his career that he will make the big catch when it is needed most.  Finally, one final factor is schedule.  Since the Steelers play in the AFC North, that spells four games against the lowly Browns and Bengals. The non-divisional games are even juicier, with some of the worst defenses in the NFL making an appearance on the schedule.  And to top that off, during the crucial fantasy stretch of weeks 14 through 17, the Steelers play in this order: Cleveland, San Francisco, St. Louis, and Cleveland again.  All three of those teams were in the bottom 15 in passing yards allowed last season.

Tim Hightower: During his years in Arizona, Tim Hightower never really got the opportunity to take the role of featured back.  With his move to Washington, it is starting to look like his day will finally come.  After the first three preseason games, Hightower has amassed 170 yards on just 25 attempts, and 2 touchdowns.  That is an incredible 6.8 yards per carry average.  The numbers are even more impressive when you consider they came against two of the NFL's top defenses, the Steelers and Ravens.    One of the perks of his move to the Washington Redskins is their commitment to the running game.  If he can hold on to the role of featured back, he will have every opportunity to put up top 5 numbers.  As of right now, Tim Hightower's average draft position is in the upper 60's.  He is often being taken after guys like Cedric Benson and Beanie Wells.  With those two, you know what you are going to get.  There is very little potential for a surprising upside.  The same can not be said for Hightower.  There are no guarantees in fantasy football. To attain big rewards, you often have to take big risks.  In this case, Hightower isn't a huge risk.  His stellar preseason play has won him the starting job.  As of right now, all signs point to him being a serviceable RB2 at worst.  At best, he could be a top 5 running back.  By locking him in as your RB2 in the fifth or sixth round, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to fill up the RB1, QB1, and at least WR1 and WR2 with proven talent.  Why take a mediocre RB2 in the second or third round when you will get at least that with Hightower in the sixth round? 

Finding The Right Vacuum Cleaner

Shopping for a new vacuum cleaner is a lot like shopping for a car. Much like when buying a car, you should do your homework when buying a new vacuum cleaner. Think about it, this product is going to be an integral part of your life for the extended future. You want to make sure that you are getting the best product for the best value. There are so many to choose from, that narrowing down the field can be a daunting task. I will break down a few of the best sellers.


Up first we have the Dyson DC25 Animal Ball-Technology Upright Vacuum Cleaner. I can't recommend this vacuum cleaner high enough. This is the vacuum that I personally own. I have three cats, and you wouldn't know it after I run my Dyson. If this vacuum were a comic book character, it would be Superman. The only downside on this product is the price. At $549, it is a hefty chunk of change, but it really is worth every penny. If you have never tried a Dyson product, you have to see it to believe it. My carpet is pretty old, but one pass with the Dyson makes it look brand new. Another perk of this vacuum is that it is bagless, with a see through trap. You will always know how long you have until its time to empty the vacuum. And now for the breakdown:

Dyson DC25 Animal Ball

Product: Dyson DC25 Animal Ball-Technology Upright Vacuum CleanerPrice: $549.00
 Rating:4.5 out of 5 Stars on Amazon.com
Random Customer Review: "If you live in an apartment, if you own a dog/cat, if you HATE DUST, if you currently own a POS vacuum and are reading these reviews, trying to figure out if you are gonna cave in and buy a Dyson....DO IT NOW!!! BUY THE DYSON DC25 ANIMAL!!!! You will be glad you did and you won't ever mind cleaning your apartment EVER AGAIN!!! It does it all!!!"





Up next we have the Hoover WindTunnel T-Series Pet Rewind Plus Upright Vacuum, Bagless, UH70210. For starters, this is another bagless upright! As I already said, I am a huge fan of bagless vacuums. Another big selling point, is this product has a collapsible handle that enables it to reach the difficult areas that most other vacuums miss. As a multiple cat owner, my favorite feature is "Pet Upholstery Tool". This attachment has rubber wipers that make pulling up stubborn pet hair from upholstery a breeze! Another thing that I like is this product has an 8' long stretch hose. That really comes in handy when cleaning out your car. And now for the breakdown:

Hoover Windtunnel T-Series Pet Rewind Plus

Product: Hoover WindTunnel T-Series Pet Rewind Plus Upright Vacuum, Bagless, UH70210
Price:$135.59
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars on Amazon.com
Random Customer Review: "I have owned many vacuums. I originally purchased a Hoover Windtunnel and was not impressed. I then ordered this Hoover Windtunnel Pet vacuum and WOW! This is amazing. I've already picked up an entire bucket of dust that the other one did not get 5 days ago. I'm not sure why people gripe about the size of the bagless bucket. I have an 1800 square foot house and 2 cats (so we vacuum our furniture) and we only have to empty it once, maybe twice. It takes about 3 seconds to empty (SUPER EASY). Purchase this with confidence. You will love it!!!"  







Up next is the  Oreck XL2000 RHB Commercial Upright Vacuum Cleaner. Right off the bat, the first thing I love about this vacuum is the cool retro look. This really could have come directly from an episode of The Odd Couple. Felix Unger would be proud to own this vacuum! This machine is very light, only 8 pounds. It also boasts the ablility to go from carpet to hard surface with no adjustment. It has a high speed double helix brush, and low clearance to get under furniture. The MetaXAlloy motor fan resists breakage and wear out from metal objects, like paper clips and coins. And now for the breakdown:

Product: Oreck XL 2000 Upright Commercial 8 lb Vacuum Hypo Filtration
Price: $220.99
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Stars on Amazon.com
Random Customer Review: "This is my second Oreck. My first one lasted over 13 years without any trouble. It was time for a new one and decided to upgrade to the commercial. So glad I did, I have a lot of space to keep up with. The ease of using this vacuum is by far one of the best I've ever used. It's so light weight and even the kids will offer to vacuum!" 

The Key To Fantasy Football Success...Mediocre Backups

I know you are going to see my title and think I am crazy. But the number one killer in fantasy football is starting the wrong player when you have a tough decision. I can not count the number of times I have lost because I had three good running backs, and I benched the wrong guy. It happens all the time. I much prefer having two every week starters, and one bye week plug in. The two positions where this comes into play the most are quarterback and defense. Those are the positions where two fairly equal players will lead to a match-up based sit/start decision every week. I have adopted the strategy of not trying to play match-ups at those positions, and just sticking with the same starter every week. The NFL is so unpredictable that playing a weekly guessing game will lead to many incorrect decisions throughout the course of a season. Most of the time a mistake will not affect the outcome of a game, but when it does, it really stings. I have actually lost two very close championship games in the last six years by picking the wrong running back five minutes before kickoff. (Continued Below...)



Now, I am not suggesting you should ever pass on the best player available during a fantasy football draft. This situation I am describing is unlikely to play out early in the season. The odds of drafting a third or fourth running back/wide receiver that is superstar quality right out of the gate is very rare. You would have to be in a league of extraordinarily inexperienced fantasy players for that to occur. More likely one of your drafted sleepers, or an early season pick-up will blossom into a legitimate number one guy midway through the season. When this happens you are suddenly faced with a weekly dilemma. If you have made it through the byes at running back or wide receiver, and have a tough choice every week, I say trade for value. Why have a top running back/wide receiver sitting the bench every week just in case one of your other players goes down? If your running backs are this strong, then you are likely to have a deficit at some other position. Why not trade the running back with the highest value and maximize the return at wide receiver, tight end or quarterback?

I realize that the main argument against this strategy is the potential for injury. But I am more of a believer in back-up handcuffing than benching a legitimate starter. I also realize that most people will wholeheartedly disagree with my strategy. Call it amateurish, but it does reduce the headaches that accompany watching your top running back put up 15 yards against the Lions, while someone just as good is on the bench and goes for 150 and a TD against the Steelers.

Fantasy Football...Naming Your Team Properly

The NFL Preseason is underway. That means fantasy football is almost here. Everywhere you look, experts are speculating on who should go number one and who might be great late round sleeper picks. I read all the advice, and every year the experts could not be more wrong. So, since I am the furthest thing from a fantasy guru, you won't be getting any of that here. My expertise lies in the realm of funny and clever team names.

(It should be noted that most of my example names won't be as funny as they could be. I am trying to keep this article somewhat clean, and most of my true gems have been very vulgar and offensive.)

One thing that bothers me every year are the mundane, uninspired names that people manage to come up with for their fantasy teams. Every league I am in has an "Eagles Rule", or a "Bill's Bears". Invariably, at least one person will take their favorite team's name and replace the "S" at the end with a "Z". In fact, this year alone I will be facing off against the "Raiderz" and the "Cowboyz". Rarely will I stumble across someone with a creative bone in their body. I am here to help you strategize on the best possible name for your team. Lets go over a few categories that you can choose from to spice up your fantasy team.

Double Entendre

Football is ripe with all sorts of possible double entendres to choose from. Football has tight ends, balls, encroachment, illegal touching, and many more. Any one of these can be a hidden gem just waiting to be unearthed. If you are in a league with friends, just pick one person to insult and add a football term to his name. In fact, go after the guy who named his team "Bill's Bears". I recommend something like "Bill Loves Illegal Touching", or "Bill Wants A Man In Motion".

Insult Someone Elses Team Name Directly

If innuendo isn't your cup of tea, just go straight for the jugular and insult someones team name directly. This technique is great for stoking rivalries later on in the season. In this scenario, let everyone else name their team first. Then, pick the name that annoys you the most, and trash it via your team name. For example, what can we do with poor Bill and his stupid Bears? The obvious choice is "Bill's Bears Suck". This may be just as uncreative as Bill's original name, but at least it drives the point home how much you hate his name. Another possibility is just going with "I Hate Bill". I personally like this one the best. It has a bit of harsh, right to the point charm to it.

On a personal note, my all time favorite team name could fall into this category. Last season I was in a league with some friends. One member of the league started off 0-5. In his frustration, he changed his team name to: "My Team Blows Chunks". Upon seeing this, I immediately changed my team's name to: "Chunks". I will just let that one sit there, and if you get it, great.

Insult Athletes or Celebrities

Athletes and Celebrities are great fodder for team names. Everyday a story hits the internet that makes some famous person look like a giant asshole. Here are a few examples from my past:

Tiger Woods: "Tiger Roids"

Rex Ryan: "Rex Ryan Tummy Tuck"

Ben Rothlisberger: The year after his motorcycle accident I went with "Ben Crashlisberger". The year after his legal troubles I went with a very similar name that I will keep to myself.

Paris Hilton: "Paris Hilton is a..." Fill in the blank. I have used a few celebrities with this template.

In conclusion, I am not expecting everyone to be Richard Pryor when they name their teams. It would be nice however, if people took a few extra minutes to make their names somewhat interesting. After all, we do have to stare at it for the entire season.

Greatest Reason To Vote Repubulican Ever

I found this post in a comment section of an article on the Washington Post website. I think it is a great example of why Democratic policy is a consistent loser. Thank you to LETFREEDOMRING2 on this Washington Post article.

Obama is a failed president. He should not run for a second term for the good of the country.

% living below the poverty level:

1. Detroit , MI 32.5%
2. Buffalo , NY 29.9%
3. Cincinnati , OH 27.8%
4 Cleveland , OH 27.0%
5. Miami , FL 26.9%
6. St. Louis , MI 26.8%
7. El Paso , TX 26.4%
8. Milwaukee , WI 26.2%
9. Philadelphia , PA 25.1%
10. Newark , NJ 24.2%

What do these top ten cities (pop over 250,000) with the highest poverty rate all have in common...?

Detroit, MI hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1961.

Buffalo , NY hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1954.

Cincinnati , OH hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1984.

Cleveland , OH hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1989.

Miami , FL has never had a Republican mayor.

St. Louis , MO hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1949.

El Paso , TX has never had a Republican mayor.

Milwaukee , WI hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1908.

Philadelphia , PA hasn'telected a Republican mayor since 1952.

Newark , NJ hasn't elected a Republican mayor since 1907.

Einstein once said, 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Yet, it is the poor who habitually elect Democrats...
while they REMAIN PERPETUALLY POOR!

Abraham Lincoln:

"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

Is Hershey Park, In Pennsylvania, A Mini Disney World?

I just spent three days in Hershey, Pennsylvania. It is a cool little town that is based around the world famous chocolate company of the same name. The factory for Hershey Chocolates is headquartered there. They also have a theme park and other attractions nearby. Much like Disney, Hershey is much more than just a theme park. There is golfing, spas, and even a zoo. Also, the Hershey Bear's minor league hockey team plays within walking distance of the amusement park. Unlike Disney however, The Hollywood Casino is just a short drive from the family friendly action of Downtown Hershey.



Hershey Park is probably the main attraction of the whole town. It boasts 11 roller coasters, with number 12 currently in the works, due for a 2012 unveiling. The coasters are a nice blend of nostalgia and modern excitement. The Great Bear, Fahrenheit, and Storm Runner are three state of the art, high excitement coasters. Storm Runner was by far the most intense roller coaster I have ever experienced. It goes from 0-72 MPH in 2 seconds, and almost immediately goes into a complete vertical assent, followed by a full vertical drop. It really was a thrilling ride unlike any I've ever experienced. Fahrenheit follows a similar theme, without the shotgun start. The Great Bear is much different. It is also a high speed, steel coaster, but hangs below the track. This setup gives you a flying experience like no other. And to the people on the ground, every time the ride passes, it lets out a sound not much different than an angry bear roaring his warning. For the purist, there are some old-fashioned wooden coasters to be enjoyed. The Comet, The Wildcat, and The Lightning Racer will take you back to a simpler time when Big Band Music ruled, and cotton candy cost a nickel. The most unique coaster in the park is The Roller Soaker. This is a steel coaster in the water park area known as The Boardwalk. The Roller Soaker is equipped with water cannons that can dump up to 4 gallons of water on unsuspecting patrons walking below. As the ride progresses, plumes of water will occasionally shoot up from the ground at the riders. Spectators may also take up arms with their own water cannons to blast riders with a heavy dose of H2O.

Next door to Hershey Park is a fun little place called Hershey's Chocolate World. In addition to buying every imaginable Hershey's product, this is a great place to learn the history of Hershey's candy company. Hershey's Great American Chocolate Tour is a cute ride, very similar to Disney's It's a Small World. It takes you on a journey through the entire lifespan of a Hershey's Chocolate bar. From bean to candy bar, this ride was beloved by the ten year old child in our group. It is complete with a catchy song that will never leave your head. Another popular attraction here is the interactive Make Your Own Chocolate Bar exhibit. Here, you will don an apron and hairnet to design your very own candy bar. First, choose your special ingredients and design your package. Then watch as your chocolate bar rolls down the conveyor belt and is created in front of your eyes. Sound like too much work? If you just want to sit back, relax, and enjoy some chocolate, then Hershey's Chocolate Tasting Adventure is for you. This class is designed to teach your palate the intricacies of different types of chocolate.

Once you tire of Chocolate, there is still plenty to do. As I already mentioned, the Hollywood Casino is a short drive from the park. This is a beautiful casino with a full arsenal of slots, and table games, as well a 16 table poker room. If shopping is your vice, there is The Outlets at Hershey. There are a lot of high quality stores in this outlet mall. Under Armour, J. Crew, Gap, and Coach are just a few of the shopping gems to be found here. For the history buffs, Gettysburg is a mere 40 miles from Hershey. Where else can you ride amazing roller coasters, play some poker, and see the site of one of the most important battles of The American Civil War all in one day?

New Tool Album Coming In May 2012?

New Tool Album Coming In May 2012?

Click the link above for the story from Guitar World.

As with any news that comes from Tool, this info should be taken very lightly. In the past the band has been known to screw with their fans. Prior to the release of Lateralus, the band put out a press release with a fake album name, and fake track listings. The info was reported with delight through the Tool Fan community for weeks. Then suddenly we were informed that all the titles were faked, and a new list was released(also fake). Then there was the April Fools prank that lead singer Maynard James Keenan had decided to leave the band after finding religion. That one lasted about a week or two if I remember correctly.

Fake or not, this is the first of any new album news in years, so I am pumped. For the record, I am guessing fake. Knowing Tool's love for the occult, and other bizarre things, I predict the new album will be released December 21, 2012. That would be very Toolish.

It Was Fun While It Lasted Pittsburgh

Remember two weeks ago?  We were all riding high, and planning our Pirate playoff parties.  Then the Buccos lost the 19 inning nightmare game verses Atlanta.  Since then the Pirates are 1-8. Not only are they falling rapidly out of contention, but at 2 games under .500, are starting to show symptoms of another losing season.

On the "if thats not bad enough" front, Derrek Lee was scratched from the lineup tonight with a sore hand.  As one of the only recent signs of life from this putrid offense, the Pirates can not afford to lose him for any extended period.  On the bright side, Ryan Doumit returned to the lineup with a solid 2 for 4 effort tonight.

The Pirates are now 54-56, and need only 4 wins to surpass last years paltry 57-105 record.  There are 52 games remaining, and as it has been for over a week now, the magic number for finishing at .500 or better is still 27 wins.  That now seems like a lot taller order than it did at the All Star break doesn't it?

Being the lazy and mediocre writer/researcher that I am, there isn't much more for me to add.  So in closing, here are some sinking ships.

A Few Sights and Sounds from Tonight's Pirates Game.

This is the aftermath of Derrek Lee's first Home Run.  It was exciting as hell! I just wish I had thought to tape his whole at bat with my stupid Iphone.

Check out the Amazing view from our seats.  We were just past the Cubs dugout on the first base side.

One of the roving camera men.  He shot a little kid for the big screen right behind us.

PNC Park is still one of the most beautiful stadiums in baseball.

Tanya's favorite part of the game was discovering a Rita's right behind our seats.  You guessed it people, Mint Chocolate Chip!

A Bunch of Cool Stuff I Plan To Buy.

I'm a huge fan of funny, or unique shirts and products.  So this quick article is about some of the cool things I have found.  The first thing is a shirt that is my absolute favorite.  If you are a fan of South Park, you will recognize it immediately.


 This shirt is obviously from the famous Kanye West episode. Everyone gets the joke except for Kanye.  "Do you like fishsticks?" You do? Well then you are a gay fish. If you haven't seen it before, watch it below.  I actually have the Gay Fish song on my Ipod. Warning: This is the explicit version, with cursing, including the F word.

In keeping with the South Park theme.  Here is a shirt from another one of my favorite episodes.  The one when Cartman is out exterminating hippies.  Look out people, there may be a Hippie Drum Circle in your attic.



 Here is a sample of Cartman on the hunt if you haven't seen it.  Still pictures with Cartman audio, he is fantastic.

 I also found some Deadliest Catch shirts.  That is one of my other favorite shows.  I was pretty bummed out when Captain Phil passed away recently.  He seemed like a genuine guy.  I have to get the one on the bottom for my good friend Abby.  When she gets in a bad mood we call her Crabby Abby.






Of course, anyone who knows me, understands my obsession with weather.  And another great show is Storm Chasers on Discovery.  I like this shirt because the T.I.V. is a badass vehicle.  As you may know T.I.V. stands for Tornado Intercept Vehicle.  It is a monster made of thick metal, and is designed to stop directly in the path of an oncoming tornado.

http://www.zazzle.com/stormchasers?rf=238330944184630148

And of course, who doesn't love Shark Week on the Discovery Channel?

Finally, Tanya despises my taste in clothing.  Especially shoes.  We went to Monroeville once, and I wanted a pair of black leather shoes that had yellow scissor logos on the side.  They were awesome.  So this one is for you Tan, these shoes look cool as hell.

http://www.zazzle.com/artsprojekt/new?rf=238330944184630148

More Than Pizza: The Larry and Carol's Story (Part One: The People)

In the coming weeks and months, I would like to start sharing some of the greatest moments from my days working at Larry and Carol's Pizza in Greensburg, PA.  I was there for about 6 years, and while very unproductive, I don't know if I have ever had more fun. L&C was a small place, privately owned.  It was populated with some of the strangest, yet most interesting people I have ever met.

The owner, Mr. J, was a great guy.  I really liked Mr. J and he is the main reason I stayed as long as I did. The day he shut the doors for the last time was one of the saddest of my life. He was a huge Pittsburgh Penguins fan. The funny thing about Mr. J. was how much he looked like a pizza shop owner.  Perfect grey hair, and a grey beard.  He couldn't have looked more Italian if he tattooed a cannoli to his forehead.  Only problem is, he wasn't Italian; he was French.

Then there was the young married couple, Mr. and Mrs. C, who never left each others side.  Mr. C was extremely knowledgeable on football and rap music, and Mrs. C scared the hell out of me.  Mr. C was a pretty funny guy.  He was great at hurtful insults.  He also had good comedic timing.  He did tend to complain a lot, but at L&C that was pretty much a universal skill.

There was long time cook Mr. Peppercorn.  Mr. Peppercorn was another great insult artist.  He also was probably the best storyteller of the L&C crew.  Mr. Peppercorn was a fun loving party guy in his late 30's. To me, his greatest line of all time was in reference to another employee who owned a hot tub(Dan).  He said "I wouldn't get in that hot tub if I was on fire. I would run right past it and hope the neighbors had a swimming pool."

Mr. D was a mainstay of  L&C.  He looked like a cross between a mechanic and one of the Super Mario Brothers.  Mr. D was known for his flannels, his Doral cigarettes, and his AMC Eagles.  Mr. D scared a lot of people who thought he might be crazy.  Deep down though, Mr. D was just a sweetheart who only wanted people to think he was crazy. Or he was crazy, I don't know.  Mr. D did give me my 2 black cats, and for that I am forever grateful.

There was Ms. N.  She was a 30 something woman, with a bit of a "reputation". She had worked there before I started, and I heard many unflattering stories about her.  She came back to L&C after I had been there a few years.  From the stories I heard, I expected a monster to walk through the doors.  Turns out Ms N was adorable.  She was always great to me, and I even heard second hand that she stepped up and protected me from an evil succubus one time. It goes to show that you can't judge a book by it's cover.  Either that, or I never read the book because I couldn't stop looking at the cover, one of the two.

That was just a quick intro to a few of the L&C players.  I left a few out, but will introduce you to them as needed.

Now its time to meet the team's superstar. His name is Dan.  Dan is the funniest person I have ever met.  He looks remarkably like Trey Parker, the co-creator of South Park. And, he is just as twistedly clever too.  The reason I call Dan a superstar is because almost every funny story I have from the L&C days involves him. I have seen him write hilariously brutal songs that can crush a persons soul, off the top of his head. He has crafted devious ways to mess with people that would make Johnny Knoxville blush. On top of that, Dan is a very interesting guy.  He knows just about everything there is to know about US Presidents.  In fact, I learned from Dan that Ronald Reagan was the first person elected President of the United States after being the head of a union.  He also knows more about sports than anyone I know.  If Dan says something about an offensive lineman from the 60's, I know I can steal that fact without looking stupid. Anyone with a true appreciation of comedy would respect the demented mind of Dan.

Stay tuned for more from the world of Larry and Carol's Pizza.  A few things I will be covering in future episodes: Dan getting caught with his pants down, Comedian Steven Wright's visit to L&C, Mr D's war, The Lottery Winner, and much more.

Beginning Of The End For The Pirates? (Update)

The Pittsburgh Pirates dropped another extra inning game to the Atlanta Braves tonight. This will put the Pirates 1 1/2 games back of the division leading Brewers.  After one more game with the Braves, the Pirates move on to a weekend series with the Phillies.  The Phillies currently own the best record in Major League Baseball. Meanwhile, the Cards and Brewers swap their mediocre opponents for the weekend. With four very tough games coming up, can the Pirates stay afloat until a lifeboat arrives in the form of the Chicago Cubs on Monday, August 1st?


Given the giant weight of history that is on their backs, I couldn't imagine the Pirates recovering from an extended losing streak at this point in the season.  With 21 games against teams with better records than them over the next month, it's definitely going to be a rough road.   However, there really is no telling what changes the looming trade deadline will bring.  What seems like an insurmountable hill right now may not look so bad if Neil Huntington makes a few slick moves at the wire.


No matter what the outcome though, I certainly am enjoying the ride so far.  I must admit, it has been a long time since I felt the anger and devastation over a terrible call like I did last night.  (Anyone else wonder how many talk shows Jim Joyce anonymously phoned into today saying that was the worst call in the history of baseball?)




UPDATE- (8/22/11)



Since this article was published, the collapse I predicted has come to fruition. The Pirates are no longer a threat to take the NL Central (15.5 games back).  An above .500 record is no longer a given (7 games under .500).  It is really sad that this season has taken a death spiral.    The biggest tragedy is that next season's attendance will be harmed by this season's implosion.  The future is bright for the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Not only did they sign #1 draft pick Gerrit Cole, they did the unthinkable and signed Josh Bell.  The future is definitely bright for the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Lets hope that the Bucs can throw enough wins together in the next month to end the horrible streak that weighs on the backs of every Pirates fan.    

Look...There Goes Technology.

I finally understand how old people get such a shitty reputation for being techno-dolts. I'm not old, only 32, but somewhere recently technology left me in it's wake.  Maybe it is because I don't have a job where I need to think in any way. Basically allowing my brain to slowly atrophy. Or maybe I am just too stubborn to try to learn anything new.  Anyway, the reasons why don't matter, here are a couple of things that have passed me by:

Video Games:

Ah, the good old days

I can't be 100% percent sure, but I think my downfall in video games started when I made the transition from Playstation 2 to Playstation 3.  This is around the time that the games became so unbelievably complicated that they started to cease being fun.  Back in the Sega Genesis and Playstation 1 days, there were basically 3 or 4 active buttons.  My favorite game was the NHL games.  I would argue that NHL '95 is still the greatest game ever made.  It was simple, hit B to pass, A to shoot and C to hit someone.  That was it.   Simple, easy, and awesome.  Nowadays, you need to execute a 4 button combo to accomplish anything. Up, R1, L2, X, and that's probably just to take a slapshot.  There are spin moves, jukes, and all kinds of other things that require a 140 IQ just to remember.  Not to mention, you HAVE to use the analog control.  I despise the analog control.  I can never go from pushing up to pushing down smoothly.  It's such an awkward move that I always almost drop the stupid controller.  

Twitter:

Where is the send button?

The first time I saw a Twitter feed, I felt like I was driving through Chinatown.  All kinds of symbols and abbreviations.  It was total gibberish. Hashtags, @ signs, retweets, its enough to make your prostate burst.  After some studying, I have finally started to get the hang of all these smoke and mirrors.  Here is my main problem with Twitter: it is impossible to get followers. No matter how many funny or insightful things you tweet, nobody retweets or follows you.  Of course I think the main reason for that is nobody actually reads other peoples tweets. Which is understandable, because does anyone really care what @EntitledDoucheyTeenager thinks about "So You Think You Can Dance"?  "Tweet, look at me, look at me, make me feel important, Tweet Tweet."  Yuck. 

And yeah, call me Harry Hypocrite, I'm complaining about people desperately seeking attention and approval in my blog.