Fantasy Football...Naming Your Team Properly

The NFL Preseason is underway. That means fantasy football is almost here. Everywhere you look, experts are speculating on who should go number one and who might be great late round sleeper picks. I read all the advice, and every year the experts could not be more wrong. So, since I am the furthest thing from a fantasy guru, you won't be getting any of that here. My expertise lies in the realm of funny and clever team names.

(It should be noted that most of my example names won't be as funny as they could be. I am trying to keep this article somewhat clean, and most of my true gems have been very vulgar and offensive.)

One thing that bothers me every year are the mundane, uninspired names that people manage to come up with for their fantasy teams. Every league I am in has an "Eagles Rule", or a "Bill's Bears". Invariably, at least one person will take their favorite team's name and replace the "S" at the end with a "Z". In fact, this year alone I will be facing off against the "Raiderz" and the "Cowboyz". Rarely will I stumble across someone with a creative bone in their body. I am here to help you strategize on the best possible name for your team. Lets go over a few categories that you can choose from to spice up your fantasy team.

Double Entendre

Football is ripe with all sorts of possible double entendres to choose from. Football has tight ends, balls, encroachment, illegal touching, and many more. Any one of these can be a hidden gem just waiting to be unearthed. If you are in a league with friends, just pick one person to insult and add a football term to his name. In fact, go after the guy who named his team "Bill's Bears". I recommend something like "Bill Loves Illegal Touching", or "Bill Wants A Man In Motion".

Insult Someone Elses Team Name Directly

If innuendo isn't your cup of tea, just go straight for the jugular and insult someones team name directly. This technique is great for stoking rivalries later on in the season. In this scenario, let everyone else name their team first. Then, pick the name that annoys you the most, and trash it via your team name. For example, what can we do with poor Bill and his stupid Bears? The obvious choice is "Bill's Bears Suck". This may be just as uncreative as Bill's original name, but at least it drives the point home how much you hate his name. Another possibility is just going with "I Hate Bill". I personally like this one the best. It has a bit of harsh, right to the point charm to it.

On a personal note, my all time favorite team name could fall into this category. Last season I was in a league with some friends. One member of the league started off 0-5. In his frustration, he changed his team name to: "My Team Blows Chunks". Upon seeing this, I immediately changed my team's name to: "Chunks". I will just let that one sit there, and if you get it, great.

Insult Athletes or Celebrities

Athletes and Celebrities are great fodder for team names. Everyday a story hits the internet that makes some famous person look like a giant asshole. Here are a few examples from my past:

Tiger Woods: "Tiger Roids"

Rex Ryan: "Rex Ryan Tummy Tuck"

Ben Rothlisberger: The year after his motorcycle accident I went with "Ben Crashlisberger". The year after his legal troubles I went with a very similar name that I will keep to myself.

Paris Hilton: "Paris Hilton is a..." Fill in the blank. I have used a few celebrities with this template.

In conclusion, I am not expecting everyone to be Richard Pryor when they name their teams. It would be nice however, if people took a few extra minutes to make their names somewhat interesting. After all, we do have to stare at it for the entire season.

Beginning Of The End For The Pirates? (Update)

The Pittsburgh Pirates dropped another extra inning game to the Atlanta Braves tonight. This will put the Pirates 1 1/2 games back of the division leading Brewers.  After one more game with the Braves, the Pirates move on to a weekend series with the Phillies.  The Phillies currently own the best record in Major League Baseball. Meanwhile, the Cards and Brewers swap their mediocre opponents for the weekend. With four very tough games coming up, can the Pirates stay afloat until a lifeboat arrives in the form of the Chicago Cubs on Monday, August 1st?


Given the giant weight of history that is on their backs, I couldn't imagine the Pirates recovering from an extended losing streak at this point in the season.  With 21 games against teams with better records than them over the next month, it's definitely going to be a rough road.   However, there really is no telling what changes the looming trade deadline will bring.  What seems like an insurmountable hill right now may not look so bad if Neil Huntington makes a few slick moves at the wire.


No matter what the outcome though, I certainly am enjoying the ride so far.  I must admit, it has been a long time since I felt the anger and devastation over a terrible call like I did last night.  (Anyone else wonder how many talk shows Jim Joyce anonymously phoned into today saying that was the worst call in the history of baseball?)




UPDATE- (8/22/11)



Since this article was published, the collapse I predicted has come to fruition. The Pirates are no longer a threat to take the NL Central (15.5 games back).  An above .500 record is no longer a given (7 games under .500).  It is really sad that this season has taken a death spiral.    The biggest tragedy is that next season's attendance will be harmed by this season's implosion.  The future is bright for the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Not only did they sign #1 draft pick Gerrit Cole, they did the unthinkable and signed Josh Bell.  The future is definitely bright for the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Lets hope that the Bucs can throw enough wins together in the next month to end the horrible streak that weighs on the backs of every Pirates fan.