Fantasy Football...Naming Your Team Properly

The NFL Preseason is underway. That means fantasy football is almost here. Everywhere you look, experts are speculating on who should go number one and who might be great late round sleeper picks. I read all the advice, and every year the experts could not be more wrong. So, since I am the furthest thing from a fantasy guru, you won't be getting any of that here. My expertise lies in the realm of funny and clever team names.

(It should be noted that most of my example names won't be as funny as they could be. I am trying to keep this article somewhat clean, and most of my true gems have been very vulgar and offensive.)

One thing that bothers me every year are the mundane, uninspired names that people manage to come up with for their fantasy teams. Every league I am in has an "Eagles Rule", or a "Bill's Bears". Invariably, at least one person will take their favorite team's name and replace the "S" at the end with a "Z". In fact, this year alone I will be facing off against the "Raiderz" and the "Cowboyz". Rarely will I stumble across someone with a creative bone in their body. I am here to help you strategize on the best possible name for your team. Lets go over a few categories that you can choose from to spice up your fantasy team.

Double Entendre

Football is ripe with all sorts of possible double entendres to choose from. Football has tight ends, balls, encroachment, illegal touching, and many more. Any one of these can be a hidden gem just waiting to be unearthed. If you are in a league with friends, just pick one person to insult and add a football term to his name. In fact, go after the guy who named his team "Bill's Bears". I recommend something like "Bill Loves Illegal Touching", or "Bill Wants A Man In Motion".

Insult Someone Elses Team Name Directly

If innuendo isn't your cup of tea, just go straight for the jugular and insult someones team name directly. This technique is great for stoking rivalries later on in the season. In this scenario, let everyone else name their team first. Then, pick the name that annoys you the most, and trash it via your team name. For example, what can we do with poor Bill and his stupid Bears? The obvious choice is "Bill's Bears Suck". This may be just as uncreative as Bill's original name, but at least it drives the point home how much you hate his name. Another possibility is just going with "I Hate Bill". I personally like this one the best. It has a bit of harsh, right to the point charm to it.

On a personal note, my all time favorite team name could fall into this category. Last season I was in a league with some friends. One member of the league started off 0-5. In his frustration, he changed his team name to: "My Team Blows Chunks". Upon seeing this, I immediately changed my team's name to: "Chunks". I will just let that one sit there, and if you get it, great.

Insult Athletes or Celebrities

Athletes and Celebrities are great fodder for team names. Everyday a story hits the internet that makes some famous person look like a giant asshole. Here are a few examples from my past:

Tiger Woods: "Tiger Roids"

Rex Ryan: "Rex Ryan Tummy Tuck"

Ben Rothlisberger: The year after his motorcycle accident I went with "Ben Crashlisberger". The year after his legal troubles I went with a very similar name that I will keep to myself.

Paris Hilton: "Paris Hilton is a..." Fill in the blank. I have used a few celebrities with this template.

In conclusion, I am not expecting everyone to be Richard Pryor when they name their teams. It would be nice however, if people took a few extra minutes to make their names somewhat interesting. After all, we do have to stare at it for the entire season.

It Was Fun While It Lasted Pittsburgh

Remember two weeks ago?  We were all riding high, and planning our Pirate playoff parties.  Then the Buccos lost the 19 inning nightmare game verses Atlanta.  Since then the Pirates are 1-8. Not only are they falling rapidly out of contention, but at 2 games under .500, are starting to show symptoms of another losing season.

On the "if thats not bad enough" front, Derrek Lee was scratched from the lineup tonight with a sore hand.  As one of the only recent signs of life from this putrid offense, the Pirates can not afford to lose him for any extended period.  On the bright side, Ryan Doumit returned to the lineup with a solid 2 for 4 effort tonight.

The Pirates are now 54-56, and need only 4 wins to surpass last years paltry 57-105 record.  There are 52 games remaining, and as it has been for over a week now, the magic number for finishing at .500 or better is still 27 wins.  That now seems like a lot taller order than it did at the All Star break doesn't it?

Being the lazy and mediocre writer/researcher that I am, there isn't much more for me to add.  So in closing, here are some sinking ships.

More Than Pizza: The Larry and Carol's Story (Part One: The People)

In the coming weeks and months, I would like to start sharing some of the greatest moments from my days working at Larry and Carol's Pizza in Greensburg, PA.  I was there for about 6 years, and while very unproductive, I don't know if I have ever had more fun. L&C was a small place, privately owned.  It was populated with some of the strangest, yet most interesting people I have ever met.

The owner, Mr. J, was a great guy.  I really liked Mr. J and he is the main reason I stayed as long as I did. The day he shut the doors for the last time was one of the saddest of my life. He was a huge Pittsburgh Penguins fan. The funny thing about Mr. J. was how much he looked like a pizza shop owner.  Perfect grey hair, and a grey beard.  He couldn't have looked more Italian if he tattooed a cannoli to his forehead.  Only problem is, he wasn't Italian; he was French.

Then there was the young married couple, Mr. and Mrs. C, who never left each others side.  Mr. C was extremely knowledgeable on football and rap music, and Mrs. C scared the hell out of me.  Mr. C was a pretty funny guy.  He was great at hurtful insults.  He also had good comedic timing.  He did tend to complain a lot, but at L&C that was pretty much a universal skill.

There was long time cook Mr. Peppercorn.  Mr. Peppercorn was another great insult artist.  He also was probably the best storyteller of the L&C crew.  Mr. Peppercorn was a fun loving party guy in his late 30's. To me, his greatest line of all time was in reference to another employee who owned a hot tub(Dan).  He said "I wouldn't get in that hot tub if I was on fire. I would run right past it and hope the neighbors had a swimming pool."

Mr. D was a mainstay of  L&C.  He looked like a cross between a mechanic and one of the Super Mario Brothers.  Mr. D was known for his flannels, his Doral cigarettes, and his AMC Eagles.  Mr. D scared a lot of people who thought he might be crazy.  Deep down though, Mr. D was just a sweetheart who only wanted people to think he was crazy. Or he was crazy, I don't know.  Mr. D did give me my 2 black cats, and for that I am forever grateful.

There was Ms. N.  She was a 30 something woman, with a bit of a "reputation". She had worked there before I started, and I heard many unflattering stories about her.  She came back to L&C after I had been there a few years.  From the stories I heard, I expected a monster to walk through the doors.  Turns out Ms N was adorable.  She was always great to me, and I even heard second hand that she stepped up and protected me from an evil succubus one time. It goes to show that you can't judge a book by it's cover.  Either that, or I never read the book because I couldn't stop looking at the cover, one of the two.

That was just a quick intro to a few of the L&C players.  I left a few out, but will introduce you to them as needed.

Now its time to meet the team's superstar. His name is Dan.  Dan is the funniest person I have ever met.  He looks remarkably like Trey Parker, the co-creator of South Park. And, he is just as twistedly clever too.  The reason I call Dan a superstar is because almost every funny story I have from the L&C days involves him. I have seen him write hilariously brutal songs that can crush a persons soul, off the top of his head. He has crafted devious ways to mess with people that would make Johnny Knoxville blush. On top of that, Dan is a very interesting guy.  He knows just about everything there is to know about US Presidents.  In fact, I learned from Dan that Ronald Reagan was the first person elected President of the United States after being the head of a union.  He also knows more about sports than anyone I know.  If Dan says something about an offensive lineman from the 60's, I know I can steal that fact without looking stupid. Anyone with a true appreciation of comedy would respect the demented mind of Dan.

Stay tuned for more from the world of Larry and Carol's Pizza.  A few things I will be covering in future episodes: Dan getting caught with his pants down, Comedian Steven Wright's visit to L&C, Mr D's war, The Lottery Winner, and much more.

Look...There Goes Technology.

I finally understand how old people get such a shitty reputation for being techno-dolts. I'm not old, only 32, but somewhere recently technology left me in it's wake.  Maybe it is because I don't have a job where I need to think in any way. Basically allowing my brain to slowly atrophy. Or maybe I am just too stubborn to try to learn anything new.  Anyway, the reasons why don't matter, here are a couple of things that have passed me by:

Video Games:

Ah, the good old days

I can't be 100% percent sure, but I think my downfall in video games started when I made the transition from Playstation 2 to Playstation 3.  This is around the time that the games became so unbelievably complicated that they started to cease being fun.  Back in the Sega Genesis and Playstation 1 days, there were basically 3 or 4 active buttons.  My favorite game was the NHL games.  I would argue that NHL '95 is still the greatest game ever made.  It was simple, hit B to pass, A to shoot and C to hit someone.  That was it.   Simple, easy, and awesome.  Nowadays, you need to execute a 4 button combo to accomplish anything. Up, R1, L2, X, and that's probably just to take a slapshot.  There are spin moves, jukes, and all kinds of other things that require a 140 IQ just to remember.  Not to mention, you HAVE to use the analog control.  I despise the analog control.  I can never go from pushing up to pushing down smoothly.  It's such an awkward move that I always almost drop the stupid controller.  

Twitter:

Where is the send button?

The first time I saw a Twitter feed, I felt like I was driving through Chinatown.  All kinds of symbols and abbreviations.  It was total gibberish. Hashtags, @ signs, retweets, its enough to make your prostate burst.  After some studying, I have finally started to get the hang of all these smoke and mirrors.  Here is my main problem with Twitter: it is impossible to get followers. No matter how many funny or insightful things you tweet, nobody retweets or follows you.  Of course I think the main reason for that is nobody actually reads other peoples tweets. Which is understandable, because does anyone really care what @EntitledDoucheyTeenager thinks about "So You Think You Can Dance"?  "Tweet, look at me, look at me, make me feel important, Tweet Tweet."  Yuck. 

And yeah, call me Harry Hypocrite, I'm complaining about people desperately seeking attention and approval in my blog.