How To Embarrass Yourself Playing Fantasy Football

 I started playing fantasy football when I was 16 years old.  I got into it when a few friends asked me to join a league they were starting.  Before that season, I had never heard of fantasy football. Keep in mind that this was back in the mid 1990's, long before the game had gained a level of popularity that bridges all age, gender, and racial gaps.  There weren't 10 different fantasy football magazines to choose from in every grocery store, drug store, and book store in America like there is today.  Before my very first draft, nobody told me anything about strategy.  All I had to go by was a list of last years players, and the fantasy points they scored.  So, looking over that list, one thing jumped out at me immediately.  Morton Anderson scored the most fantasy points out of any other player in the NFL the previous season.  (It is actually painful to write this story down.  It is vividly bringing back the humiliation I am about to share with you)

I don't remember exactly what position I was drafting, but i think it may have been 3rd.  I remember the joy and shock when the first two picks went by, and Morton Anderson(along with every other kicker) remained on the board.  I distinctly remember a feeling of smug satisfaction washing over me, as I internally gloated about being the smartest person in the room.  "How could these morons be taking running backs, when the kickers score so many more points?" I thought as i laughed to myself. Of course it never occurred to me how interchangeable kickers are, as opposed to the unique value that comes with a top five running back or wide receiver. So, when it is finally my turn to draft I proudly announce, "I take Morton Anderson!"  As soon as I spoke, there was maybe a second or two of total silence while the words permeated the room.  Then, all at once, as if someone flipped a switch on a laugh track machine, the room erupted.  I immediately realized that I had just made a complete ass of myself.

As the laughter began to subside, the guy running the draft asked, "Are you serious?"

I responded, "Of course not, I'll take..."

Now here is the key.  If you are going to pull off the "I was just joking when I said I wanted Morton Anderson" ploy, then you have to be ready with a legitimate name to replace him with.  I have to admit, I don't remember exactly who I said, but I do remember that it got quite a few laughs as well.  I am pretty sure it was someone who would have been around in the 5th round or so.  Basically, I threw out the first NFL players name that popped into my head, and it wasn't great.  At least I didn't say, "Bill Cowher."

Another great way to embarrass yourself during a fantasy football season, is to completely over think a simple decision.  During the 2001 Season, my starting running backs were Marshall Faulk, and Stephen Davis.  Marshall Faulk was a beast that year.  He ended the season with 2,147 all purpose yards, and 21 touchdowns.  Stephen Davis ate up the yards, but he had problems finding the end zone. He finished with 1,637 all purpose yards, and only 5 touchdowns.  Going into week 15, the first round of the 2001 fantasy playoffs, I had what should have been an easy start at running back.  I was however concerned about Stephen Davis.  He was more than capable of putting up big numbers, but a mediocre performance was also not out of the question.  Going into week 15 he was held under 80 yards five times, and on two of those occasions he was held under 40 yards.  Considering that almost the entire season had already played out, there weren't any legitimate #1 running backs available on the waiver wire.  However, there was one little golden nugget sitting out there that I couldn't resist.  Can anyone tell me who Trung Canidate is?  Trung Canidate was Marshall Faulk's main backup in St. Louis at the time.  If you remember, this was back in the days of "The Greatest Show On Turf."  The St. Louis Rams were putting up huge offensive numbers almost every week, and a lot of times, Faulk was being sat at halftime to protect him from injury because the game was already a blowout.

In week 15 the St. Louis Rams were up against the pathetic Carolina Panthers.  The 2001 Carolina Panthers finished a with a woeful 1-15 record.  That fact alone would not lead me to do something as insanely stupid as benching Stephen Davis in place of Trung Canidate.  Here is what would lead me to do something that stupid. In week 9 of the 2001 NFL season, the St. Louis Rams beat the Carolina Panthers 48-14.  Marshall Faulk had 197 all purpose yards and 2 touchdowns.  Now for the "work", Trung Canidate had an astounding 146 all purpose yards and 1 touchdown.  So coming into Week 15, the Rams are 11-2 and basically have the division on lock down. It's only reasonable to assume that Faulk will put up huge first half numbers, and Trung Canidate will get the bulk of the workload in a game that can pretty much be added to the win column before it even starts.  Well, I was half right.  Marshall Faulk's final line was a mind blowing 252 all purpose yards and 2 touchdowns.  Unfortunately the game ended up closer than anyone expected.  Trung Canidates final numbers were zero all purpose yards on zero attempts, with zero touchdowns. What made this even more embarrassing was that Stephen Davis put up 66 all purpose yards and a touchdown. In case you are wondering, I ended up losing my first round playoff game that day by 3 points.  So, making that bold coaching move single handedly ended my fantasy season that year.  And 10 years later, I still remember it vividly.

Two Big Fantasy Football Sleepers In 2011

One major factor in being at the top of your fantasy football league is getting great value in the middle rounds. This year I have seen two players going in the middle rounds that I feel will put up 1st and 2nd round numbers. I think targeting these two players as QB1 and RB2 in the 6th-8th rounds could be the move that puts your team over the top this year.


Ben Roethlisberger:  Since he came in to the league, Big Ben has been a great team leader.  He has taken the Steelers to three Super Bowls in the last six seasons.  His ability to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat has solidified him as one of the top quarterbacks in the game.  All of that doesn't translate into fantasy football success however.  So what has changed?  For starters, Rashard Mendenhall is developing into one of the elite running backs in the game.  His ability to break off a big run on any down, will force defenses to keep a close watch on him at all times.  This will give Roethlisberger more opportunities to throw the deep ball.  Not to mention, Mendenhall himself is a viable threat break a few tackles and take a Roethlisberger screen pass to the end zone.  An even bigger factor to success this year is the growth of the Steelers young receiving corps.  Mike Wallace showed signs last year that he was ready to take the reigns from Hines Ward as the go to receiver on the Steelers.  Last season he reached the end zone 10 times, while compiling over 1,200 yards.  Wallace showed he believes in his abilities earlier this preseason.  "I figure that if I average 20 yards a catch this year and catch 100 balls, that will be 2,000 yards," Wallace stated.  Add to that, the biggest surprise of the preseason, Antonio Brown.  After three games in the 2011 Preseason, Antonio Brown has 230 yards and 3 touchdowns.  Those are incredible numbers considering the limited playing time for the starters.  Keep in mind that those are indeed first team numbers, not junk time.  If Brown can put up anything close to those kind of numbers in the regular season, defenses will not be able double Wallace with impunity.  And lets not forget that 'Dancing With The Stars' Champion Hines Ward is also still in the mix.  He may not have the legs of yesteryear, but he has shown throughout his career that he will make the big catch when it is needed most.  Finally, one final factor is schedule.  Since the Steelers play in the AFC North, that spells four games against the lowly Browns and Bengals. The non-divisional games are even juicier, with some of the worst defenses in the NFL making an appearance on the schedule.  And to top that off, during the crucial fantasy stretch of weeks 14 through 17, the Steelers play in this order: Cleveland, San Francisco, St. Louis, and Cleveland again.  All three of those teams were in the bottom 15 in passing yards allowed last season.

Tim Hightower: During his years in Arizona, Tim Hightower never really got the opportunity to take the role of featured back.  With his move to Washington, it is starting to look like his day will finally come.  After the first three preseason games, Hightower has amassed 170 yards on just 25 attempts, and 2 touchdowns.  That is an incredible 6.8 yards per carry average.  The numbers are even more impressive when you consider they came against two of the NFL's top defenses, the Steelers and Ravens.    One of the perks of his move to the Washington Redskins is their commitment to the running game.  If he can hold on to the role of featured back, he will have every opportunity to put up top 5 numbers.  As of right now, Tim Hightower's average draft position is in the upper 60's.  He is often being taken after guys like Cedric Benson and Beanie Wells.  With those two, you know what you are going to get.  There is very little potential for a surprising upside.  The same can not be said for Hightower.  There are no guarantees in fantasy football. To attain big rewards, you often have to take big risks.  In this case, Hightower isn't a huge risk.  His stellar preseason play has won him the starting job.  As of right now, all signs point to him being a serviceable RB2 at worst.  At best, he could be a top 5 running back.  By locking him in as your RB2 in the fifth or sixth round, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to fill up the RB1, QB1, and at least WR1 and WR2 with proven talent.  Why take a mediocre RB2 in the second or third round when you will get at least that with Hightower in the sixth round? 

The Key To Fantasy Football Success...Mediocre Backups

I know you are going to see my title and think I am crazy. But the number one killer in fantasy football is starting the wrong player when you have a tough decision. I can not count the number of times I have lost because I had three good running backs, and I benched the wrong guy. It happens all the time. I much prefer having two every week starters, and one bye week plug in. The two positions where this comes into play the most are quarterback and defense. Those are the positions where two fairly equal players will lead to a match-up based sit/start decision every week. I have adopted the strategy of not trying to play match-ups at those positions, and just sticking with the same starter every week. The NFL is so unpredictable that playing a weekly guessing game will lead to many incorrect decisions throughout the course of a season. Most of the time a mistake will not affect the outcome of a game, but when it does, it really stings. I have actually lost two very close championship games in the last six years by picking the wrong running back five minutes before kickoff. (Continued Below...)



Now, I am not suggesting you should ever pass on the best player available during a fantasy football draft. This situation I am describing is unlikely to play out early in the season. The odds of drafting a third or fourth running back/wide receiver that is superstar quality right out of the gate is very rare. You would have to be in a league of extraordinarily inexperienced fantasy players for that to occur. More likely one of your drafted sleepers, or an early season pick-up will blossom into a legitimate number one guy midway through the season. When this happens you are suddenly faced with a weekly dilemma. If you have made it through the byes at running back or wide receiver, and have a tough choice every week, I say trade for value. Why have a top running back/wide receiver sitting the bench every week just in case one of your other players goes down? If your running backs are this strong, then you are likely to have a deficit at some other position. Why not trade the running back with the highest value and maximize the return at wide receiver, tight end or quarterback?

I realize that the main argument against this strategy is the potential for injury. But I am more of a believer in back-up handcuffing than benching a legitimate starter. I also realize that most people will wholeheartedly disagree with my strategy. Call it amateurish, but it does reduce the headaches that accompany watching your top running back put up 15 yards against the Lions, while someone just as good is on the bench and goes for 150 and a TD against the Steelers.

Fantasy Football...Naming Your Team Properly

The NFL Preseason is underway. That means fantasy football is almost here. Everywhere you look, experts are speculating on who should go number one and who might be great late round sleeper picks. I read all the advice, and every year the experts could not be more wrong. So, since I am the furthest thing from a fantasy guru, you won't be getting any of that here. My expertise lies in the realm of funny and clever team names.

(It should be noted that most of my example names won't be as funny as they could be. I am trying to keep this article somewhat clean, and most of my true gems have been very vulgar and offensive.)

One thing that bothers me every year are the mundane, uninspired names that people manage to come up with for their fantasy teams. Every league I am in has an "Eagles Rule", or a "Bill's Bears". Invariably, at least one person will take their favorite team's name and replace the "S" at the end with a "Z". In fact, this year alone I will be facing off against the "Raiderz" and the "Cowboyz". Rarely will I stumble across someone with a creative bone in their body. I am here to help you strategize on the best possible name for your team. Lets go over a few categories that you can choose from to spice up your fantasy team.

Double Entendre

Football is ripe with all sorts of possible double entendres to choose from. Football has tight ends, balls, encroachment, illegal touching, and many more. Any one of these can be a hidden gem just waiting to be unearthed. If you are in a league with friends, just pick one person to insult and add a football term to his name. In fact, go after the guy who named his team "Bill's Bears". I recommend something like "Bill Loves Illegal Touching", or "Bill Wants A Man In Motion".

Insult Someone Elses Team Name Directly

If innuendo isn't your cup of tea, just go straight for the jugular and insult someones team name directly. This technique is great for stoking rivalries later on in the season. In this scenario, let everyone else name their team first. Then, pick the name that annoys you the most, and trash it via your team name. For example, what can we do with poor Bill and his stupid Bears? The obvious choice is "Bill's Bears Suck". This may be just as uncreative as Bill's original name, but at least it drives the point home how much you hate his name. Another possibility is just going with "I Hate Bill". I personally like this one the best. It has a bit of harsh, right to the point charm to it.

On a personal note, my all time favorite team name could fall into this category. Last season I was in a league with some friends. One member of the league started off 0-5. In his frustration, he changed his team name to: "My Team Blows Chunks". Upon seeing this, I immediately changed my team's name to: "Chunks". I will just let that one sit there, and if you get it, great.

Insult Athletes or Celebrities

Athletes and Celebrities are great fodder for team names. Everyday a story hits the internet that makes some famous person look like a giant asshole. Here are a few examples from my past:

Tiger Woods: "Tiger Roids"

Rex Ryan: "Rex Ryan Tummy Tuck"

Ben Rothlisberger: The year after his motorcycle accident I went with "Ben Crashlisberger". The year after his legal troubles I went with a very similar name that I will keep to myself.

Paris Hilton: "Paris Hilton is a..." Fill in the blank. I have used a few celebrities with this template.

In conclusion, I am not expecting everyone to be Richard Pryor when they name their teams. It would be nice however, if people took a few extra minutes to make their names somewhat interesting. After all, we do have to stare at it for the entire season.