A Bunch of Cool Stuff I Plan To Buy.

I'm a huge fan of funny, or unique shirts and products.  So this quick article is about some of the cool things I have found.  The first thing is a shirt that is my absolute favorite.  If you are a fan of South Park, you will recognize it immediately.


 This shirt is obviously from the famous Kanye West episode. Everyone gets the joke except for Kanye.  "Do you like fishsticks?" You do? Well then you are a gay fish. If you haven't seen it before, watch it below.  I actually have the Gay Fish song on my Ipod. Warning: This is the explicit version, with cursing, including the F word.

In keeping with the South Park theme.  Here is a shirt from another one of my favorite episodes.  The one when Cartman is out exterminating hippies.  Look out people, there may be a Hippie Drum Circle in your attic.



 Here is a sample of Cartman on the hunt if you haven't seen it.  Still pictures with Cartman audio, he is fantastic.

 I also found some Deadliest Catch shirts.  That is one of my other favorite shows.  I was pretty bummed out when Captain Phil passed away recently.  He seemed like a genuine guy.  I have to get the one on the bottom for my good friend Abby.  When she gets in a bad mood we call her Crabby Abby.






Of course, anyone who knows me, understands my obsession with weather.  And another great show is Storm Chasers on Discovery.  I like this shirt because the T.I.V. is a badass vehicle.  As you may know T.I.V. stands for Tornado Intercept Vehicle.  It is a monster made of thick metal, and is designed to stop directly in the path of an oncoming tornado.

http://www.zazzle.com/stormchasers?rf=238330944184630148

And of course, who doesn't love Shark Week on the Discovery Channel?

Finally, Tanya despises my taste in clothing.  Especially shoes.  We went to Monroeville once, and I wanted a pair of black leather shoes that had yellow scissor logos on the side.  They were awesome.  So this one is for you Tan, these shoes look cool as hell.

http://www.zazzle.com/artsprojekt/new?rf=238330944184630148

More Than Pizza: The Larry and Carol's Story (Part One: The People)

In the coming weeks and months, I would like to start sharing some of the greatest moments from my days working at Larry and Carol's Pizza in Greensburg, PA.  I was there for about 6 years, and while very unproductive, I don't know if I have ever had more fun. L&C was a small place, privately owned.  It was populated with some of the strangest, yet most interesting people I have ever met.

The owner, Mr. J, was a great guy.  I really liked Mr. J and he is the main reason I stayed as long as I did. The day he shut the doors for the last time was one of the saddest of my life. He was a huge Pittsburgh Penguins fan. The funny thing about Mr. J. was how much he looked like a pizza shop owner.  Perfect grey hair, and a grey beard.  He couldn't have looked more Italian if he tattooed a cannoli to his forehead.  Only problem is, he wasn't Italian; he was French.

Then there was the young married couple, Mr. and Mrs. C, who never left each others side.  Mr. C was extremely knowledgeable on football and rap music, and Mrs. C scared the hell out of me.  Mr. C was a pretty funny guy.  He was great at hurtful insults.  He also had good comedic timing.  He did tend to complain a lot, but at L&C that was pretty much a universal skill.

There was long time cook Mr. Peppercorn.  Mr. Peppercorn was another great insult artist.  He also was probably the best storyteller of the L&C crew.  Mr. Peppercorn was a fun loving party guy in his late 30's. To me, his greatest line of all time was in reference to another employee who owned a hot tub(Dan).  He said "I wouldn't get in that hot tub if I was on fire. I would run right past it and hope the neighbors had a swimming pool."

Mr. D was a mainstay of  L&C.  He looked like a cross between a mechanic and one of the Super Mario Brothers.  Mr. D was known for his flannels, his Doral cigarettes, and his AMC Eagles.  Mr. D scared a lot of people who thought he might be crazy.  Deep down though, Mr. D was just a sweetheart who only wanted people to think he was crazy. Or he was crazy, I don't know.  Mr. D did give me my 2 black cats, and for that I am forever grateful.

There was Ms. N.  She was a 30 something woman, with a bit of a "reputation". She had worked there before I started, and I heard many unflattering stories about her.  She came back to L&C after I had been there a few years.  From the stories I heard, I expected a monster to walk through the doors.  Turns out Ms N was adorable.  She was always great to me, and I even heard second hand that she stepped up and protected me from an evil succubus one time. It goes to show that you can't judge a book by it's cover.  Either that, or I never read the book because I couldn't stop looking at the cover, one of the two.

That was just a quick intro to a few of the L&C players.  I left a few out, but will introduce you to them as needed.

Now its time to meet the team's superstar. His name is Dan.  Dan is the funniest person I have ever met.  He looks remarkably like Trey Parker, the co-creator of South Park. And, he is just as twistedly clever too.  The reason I call Dan a superstar is because almost every funny story I have from the L&C days involves him. I have seen him write hilariously brutal songs that can crush a persons soul, off the top of his head. He has crafted devious ways to mess with people that would make Johnny Knoxville blush. On top of that, Dan is a very interesting guy.  He knows just about everything there is to know about US Presidents.  In fact, I learned from Dan that Ronald Reagan was the first person elected President of the United States after being the head of a union.  He also knows more about sports than anyone I know.  If Dan says something about an offensive lineman from the 60's, I know I can steal that fact without looking stupid. Anyone with a true appreciation of comedy would respect the demented mind of Dan.

Stay tuned for more from the world of Larry and Carol's Pizza.  A few things I will be covering in future episodes: Dan getting caught with his pants down, Comedian Steven Wright's visit to L&C, Mr D's war, The Lottery Winner, and much more.

Beginning Of The End For The Pirates? (Update)

The Pittsburgh Pirates dropped another extra inning game to the Atlanta Braves tonight. This will put the Pirates 1 1/2 games back of the division leading Brewers.  After one more game with the Braves, the Pirates move on to a weekend series with the Phillies.  The Phillies currently own the best record in Major League Baseball. Meanwhile, the Cards and Brewers swap their mediocre opponents for the weekend. With four very tough games coming up, can the Pirates stay afloat until a lifeboat arrives in the form of the Chicago Cubs on Monday, August 1st?


Given the giant weight of history that is on their backs, I couldn't imagine the Pirates recovering from an extended losing streak at this point in the season.  With 21 games against teams with better records than them over the next month, it's definitely going to be a rough road.   However, there really is no telling what changes the looming trade deadline will bring.  What seems like an insurmountable hill right now may not look so bad if Neil Huntington makes a few slick moves at the wire.


No matter what the outcome though, I certainly am enjoying the ride so far.  I must admit, it has been a long time since I felt the anger and devastation over a terrible call like I did last night.  (Anyone else wonder how many talk shows Jim Joyce anonymously phoned into today saying that was the worst call in the history of baseball?)




UPDATE- (8/22/11)



Since this article was published, the collapse I predicted has come to fruition. The Pirates are no longer a threat to take the NL Central (15.5 games back).  An above .500 record is no longer a given (7 games under .500).  It is really sad that this season has taken a death spiral.    The biggest tragedy is that next season's attendance will be harmed by this season's implosion.  The future is bright for the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Not only did they sign #1 draft pick Gerrit Cole, they did the unthinkable and signed Josh Bell.  The future is definitely bright for the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Lets hope that the Bucs can throw enough wins together in the next month to end the horrible streak that weighs on the backs of every Pirates fan.    

Look...There Goes Technology.

I finally understand how old people get such a shitty reputation for being techno-dolts. I'm not old, only 32, but somewhere recently technology left me in it's wake.  Maybe it is because I don't have a job where I need to think in any way. Basically allowing my brain to slowly atrophy. Or maybe I am just too stubborn to try to learn anything new.  Anyway, the reasons why don't matter, here are a couple of things that have passed me by:

Video Games:

Ah, the good old days

I can't be 100% percent sure, but I think my downfall in video games started when I made the transition from Playstation 2 to Playstation 3.  This is around the time that the games became so unbelievably complicated that they started to cease being fun.  Back in the Sega Genesis and Playstation 1 days, there were basically 3 or 4 active buttons.  My favorite game was the NHL games.  I would argue that NHL '95 is still the greatest game ever made.  It was simple, hit B to pass, A to shoot and C to hit someone.  That was it.   Simple, easy, and awesome.  Nowadays, you need to execute a 4 button combo to accomplish anything. Up, R1, L2, X, and that's probably just to take a slapshot.  There are spin moves, jukes, and all kinds of other things that require a 140 IQ just to remember.  Not to mention, you HAVE to use the analog control.  I despise the analog control.  I can never go from pushing up to pushing down smoothly.  It's such an awkward move that I always almost drop the stupid controller.  

Twitter:

Where is the send button?

The first time I saw a Twitter feed, I felt like I was driving through Chinatown.  All kinds of symbols and abbreviations.  It was total gibberish. Hashtags, @ signs, retweets, its enough to make your prostate burst.  After some studying, I have finally started to get the hang of all these smoke and mirrors.  Here is my main problem with Twitter: it is impossible to get followers. No matter how many funny or insightful things you tweet, nobody retweets or follows you.  Of course I think the main reason for that is nobody actually reads other peoples tweets. Which is understandable, because does anyone really care what @EntitledDoucheyTeenager thinks about "So You Think You Can Dance"?  "Tweet, look at me, look at me, make me feel important, Tweet Tweet."  Yuck. 

And yeah, call me Harry Hypocrite, I'm complaining about people desperately seeking attention and approval in my blog. 

Apathy to Ecstasy: A Pirate Fan's Story.

I want to pose a question regarding the average Pirate fans emotional expectations.  And I say emotional because realistically it is hard to actually believe they have a legitimate shot at winning the World Series.  But you can't really control emotions, and the expectations they bring.  For example, every football season, every Steeler's fan will be happy with no less than a Super Bowl victory. Half of the team could die in a plane crash flying home from the final preseason game, and most fans would still tell you that this was their year.  Pirates fans, rightly so, have been the total opposite. No sane Pirate's fan would have uttered the word "playoffs" before a new season begins.  So, where were average Pirate's fans at the start of this season, and where are they now?


I can only speak for myself, and here is a clue, I named my Fantasy Baseball team "When is Football?"  That's right, I would have been more excited about a two day lecture on the currency exchange rate than I was the start of the baseball season.  I dread it every year.  It is usually six months of unpalatable marketing propaganda.  How can we (the Pirates organization) trick all the sheep to come to PNC Park, and maintain the level of sub-mediocrity that we strive for? That is how every baseball season goes with almost no deviations.  


Somewhere along the line though things began to change. To me it was out of nowhere.  Going into the season I would have called our pitching staff below average.  Now, from seemingly out of nowhere, the Magic Pitching Fairy is dumping his Magic Pitching Goo all over Pittsburgh.  With each passing week, the Pirates continue to maintain an stunning level of competitiveness.   Stellar performance after stellar performance forces every fan, past and present, to stand and take notice.


The only question is how far can we allow the emotion to carry us?  I find myself slowly starting to get that Steeler mentality with the Pirates.  Suddenly .500 isn't good enough.  I want the playoffs.  What if the Pirates win 90 games and miss the playoffs?  I know deep in my heart that I will be sad and angry for months.  I would do myself the great disservice of missing out on that earth shattering accomplishment to brood over what could have been. Four months ago I would have bet the over on a 100 loss season, and suddenly I feel entitled to October baseball in Pittsburgh. Yeah, I know it sounds ridiculous, but that is what happens when your emotional expectations are through the roof.

Just how long have the Pirates stunk? Some perspective...

On Friday July 18th, 1997 the Pittsburgh Pirates lost 8-6 in Philadelphia to the Phillies.  That loss knocked the Pirates out of a first place tie with the Houston Astros.  They would not fight their way back to the top spot the rest of that season.  This morning, July 19th, 2011, the Pirates woke up in sole possession of first place in the NL Central.  It is now the latest the Pirates have led the division since that fateful 1992 Division Championship season!



That is a mind blowing amount of time.  Let me give you some perspective on this time frame.  The last time the Pirates were in first place after July 18th...


- They played their home games at Three Rivers Stadium


- Their games were televised on KBL


- There were only 4 divisions in baseball


- Nolan Ryan was still pitching.


- Barry Bonds still had a normal forehead.


- Magic Johnson already had AIDS (how is he still alive?)


- A lovable former Heisman winner was hilarious as Detective Nordberg in The Naked Gun


- Lord of the Rings was just a book.


- Titanic was just a shipwreck.


- Blackberry was just a fruit.


- Ipods and Ipads could only be seen on Star Trek the Next Generation.


- Someone was probably overheard saying "Only 4 months until the Whalers play the Nordiques!"


- Someone else was probably overheard saying "Don't worry we got this, Francisco Cabrera sucks."


And as I am writing this, the Hammer just came down! 7 games over!

A special thank you to my inspiration...

With my first ever blog post I would like to thank the most inspirational figure in my life, my girlfriend Tanya.  I have so many creative thoughts in my head that I just allow to float away into the ether.  I often fantasize about putting them down on "paper" in some form or another, but I never actually do.  

Tonight I watched her create a blog for her business with such ease and finesse that it motivated me to do the same.  She is an amazing woman in every way imaginable.  She is a teacher first and foremost, but that is just the beginning of her impact on all those around her.  After gaining the love and respect of both her students and their parents she then branched out into the world of teaching Zumba at a local gym.  Working hard everyday at these two mammoth pursuits would be enough to drive most normal people to the edge of their sanity.  Not Tanya, she then embarked on her most amazing journey yet.  She started a Photography business in her spare time.  This studio grows by leaps and bounds every day.  


The pride I feel watching her achieve greatness in everything she attempts is almost overwhelming at times.  It makes me fight the doubt inside of me, and takes away the notion of impossible.  So in closing, thank you Tanya, I hope my stupid little blog can grow into something as beautiful and powerful as the world you create around you.